My Story

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Anoopa was my little sister, my only sibling. I would venture to say that I knew her perhaps better than anyone, even my parents, because I have spent the most time with her and having been closer in age she chose to share more of her thoughts and secrets with me. For example, I have met or been told about every single boyfriend she ever had, starting with the first grade. Also, my sister and I had probably 90% of our interests in common and so we always had many things to talk about. People often take their siblings for granted but in the past few weeks I realized how crucial this relationship was to me, even though we have been living apart for some time because I find myself thinking, I wonder what Anoopa would think about that and I want to tell her about this but then I realize that I can no longer call her, email her, write her a letter, or wait until our next visit together.

I have been thinking about what it means to have lost my one and only sister. Although I may some day marry and gain a 'life partner' my spouse will not actually be a life partner. He will be a partner for just part of my life. But had my sister lived, she would have been a true life partner, especially in my case, as we were born only 1 year and 10 months apart. There is no one else in the world who can know me in the way she did.

And I have so many questions. Does Anoopa know she is gone? Does she know she will not be able to pursue her many dreams? Can she see the literally hundreds of people who love her and are suffering from her loss? I hope so. Does she see the silly jokes my parents and I say to each other when we are alone and sit around the kitchen table at night. Like my dad voicing his concern about my rock climbing hobby, telling me, "Well, you know, Uttama, the pressure is on you to stay alive."

I have innumerable memories of her. When we were young, we traveled a lot with my parents and developed what we called our 'sleeping system'. We would sit side by side and she would lay her head on my lap and I would lay my head on her back. After a few hours, we would groggily wake up and switch positions and fall back asleep instantly. This served us well for years and years on car trips and air plane trips and even as we got older.

When she was young, she was extremely shy and would ask me questions that she was afraid of asking to adult strangers. I would say, "Why don't you ask so and so?" And she would say, "Will you do it?" And I would and I would worry about her because what would she do when I was not with her? But I saw her blossom into a more confident and outgoing woman in high school and remember being surprised by her boisterous comments to strangers later on in life.

One of our closest periods was during high school, partly because we became strong allies against our parents, fighting wars demanding later curfews and laxer dating rules. Of course, we had no idea how strong the front we were fighting against was.

On weekends she worked as a DJ at the Fairfax Ice Arena and I would meet her there after I finished working as a hostess at a nearby restaurant. After she finished we would hang out and talk to the other guys, always conscious of the clock and predicting our parents reprimands. We would come home, eat ice cream in the kitchen, and never run out of the things to say, while my parents would be in bed. Then we quietly went up to the bathroom, brushing our teeth, and laughing, and my dad would inevitably get out of bed to say "What are you guys talking about? Go to bed!!" We could've talked forever.

Even though we lived together at home and saw each other every day, we still wrote notes to each other while we were in school and apart. One New Year's Eve we abandoned our parents and went to a cheap, local restaurant and chatted for hours. A few years ago I returned to the restaurant and the food looked so unappetizing in my eyes and the atmosphere so uninviting that I was surprised at my good memories of the place. I realized it was the endlessly engaging and delightful company that had colored my memory.

We made so many plans together. We talked for years about co-authoring a book about my parents experiences and their families' stories. I think we separately came to the realization that our parents were our greatest heroes, who set wonderful examples of discipline, hard work, generosity, courage, commitment, and love. And of course, they gave us constant encouragement and had complete confidence that my sister and I could do whatever we wished with our lives if we just put our minds to it. The kind, intelligent person she was is a reflection of the quality of her parents.

We also hoped to live near each other when we were older, so that our children would be more like siblings rather than cousins, as they are in India, and pass freely from house to house.

We hoped that one day we would work on a research project abroad in an exotic 3rd world country. She would be the head investigator and I would be the head physician and of course, our husbands, would follow us and be the nurses.

A friend recently said to me that Anoopa was my greatest supporter and she was. And I was hers. About a week before the mcats-medical college admission test-I came home after a long day in an empty library (it was spring) to find the door of my dorm papered with colorful signs she had made cheering me on, telling me, "You can do it!" Likewise, she would call or email me when she was lonely on one of her long journeys away and wishing she could return home sooner.

Anoopa knew me better than anyone else. She always encouraged me to notice my faults and improve on them while at the same time she never faultered in her confidence in me.

I always felt happiest at her graduations and award ceremonies and I believe she felt happiest at mine. We were always like that. In her graduation pictures, I am the one with the biggest smile and vice versa.

I am glad Anoopa brought happiness, inspiration, and love into the lives of so many others. It is a comfort to share this grief with so many others who also loved her. I, along with so many others, was blessed to have her in my life for the time I did.







My Daughters,


Yesterday I went to the Hindu funeral for the 24 year-old daughter of a colleague. Her name is Anoopa Sharma. A wonderful website has been created for her by her friends, www.anoopa.net. Please visit it.


Although I did not personally know her, what I have learned of her indicates she was in many ways a remarkable girl. Since you are about the same age, I found myself moved deeply by the event I mourned for the parents and sister (she was very close to her 25 year old sister), for whom the sense of loss is enormous and will never end I mourned for the girl, who obviously had so much promise.


Friends and relatives spoke during the service. I was asked by the mother to speak too because I told her I had dreamed about Anoopa the night before and dreams are very important in Asia. The speakers talked about Anoopa and what her death meant. Your Mother and I also talked about it both before and after.


Because it moved me deeply, I want to share some of my thinking with you. I hope you will share some of your thinking on this subject with me.


The central question of course is if there is a God, and this God loves us, why would He take such a young, promising person? The typical Christian and Islamic answer to this is We cannot know the ways of God which are inscrutable to mere humans. He knows what He is doing.


My response to this is that this notion is very primitive anthropomorphism. Through religious history, we have tended to see our gods as extensions of ourselves. We make images of gods that look like us or like animals.


I believe something quite different. I think there is an organizing Principle. This Principle makes everything work. However, this is not a merely mechanical Principle, such as Hobbes created. I believe this Principle is conscious (although any concept we might have of consciousness would be very primitive relative to the consciousness of this Principle). I believe for instance that Love emanates from the consciousness of this Principle. I believe that each of us somehow is part of this consciousness. We are part of a whole, yet we are also individual. Also as part of the consciousness of this Principle, we do not die. We persist.


I believe another aspect of this Principle is change and growth. As a result, as elements of this Principle, we are always changing and growing. Often the changing and growing of the infinite numbers of individual consciousnesses seem to result in their colliding and destroying each other. However, this is an illusion. Just as in physics, the collisions are part of the growth. Since as individuals, we cant see the whole, we cannot tell what the result of the impact is, just as when one element in an atom hits another and shoots off at an angle, we cannot tell what the result will be. Neither element is destroyed. It is just deflected.


Modern physics seems to support this theory. Energy and matter are not destroyed. They are just changed back and forth. We have no proof in science that anything is ever destroyed. Growth is everywhere manifested. The universe is expanding. Everything in nature over the millennia has become more complex.


So where does that leave Anoopa? Just where she was and where she has always been! The Buddhists and the Hindus believe that the soul never dies but is reborn until it achieves Enlightenment. They believe life is a dream. They believe the rebirth is on this earth, within this dream. I agree. I think life goes on forever. I believe it is a dream. However, I believe because it is a dream, the next life can be ANY dream, not necessarily this one. Also, I believe that since growth is an organizing aspect of Principle, that you never reach Enlightenment. Growth continues forever.


A related interesting question deriving from the above explanation is: if this life is illusion, as the Hindus and Buddhists believe, where does this illusion come from? Does Principle create it? I think not. The illusion exists in our individual minds and emanates from our limited perspective and level of development. As we grow and change, so does the illusion.


Many religions have a concept of Hell and Purgatory. I believe THIS life is the only Hell or Purgatory we will ever experience. We make this illusion either Heaven or Hell, but most often, a combination of each. But I believe the Hell aspect is just as important, perhaps MORE important than the Heaven part. My experience is that the Heaven part is a resting period. We grow little if at all. It is the Hell part that imparts growth, as we are deflected by lifes collisions. And since growth is the basic aspect of Principle, Hell is the important part of our illusion.


Another fascinating question is what relationship do we as individual entities have to each other? The Buddhists believe that you children we born to us because we owed you a debt from our past life. I believe something a bit different. I believe some of the individual entities have relationships with each other because although we are all parts of a single consciousness, we are all individual as well. As such, we have particularly strong connectedness with certain other individuals because in some way we are particularly well suited to support each others growth. I think this special connectedness persists through eternity. Thus, the parents, children, friends, husbands we have in this life have been connected to us forever and will continue to be forever.


What does all this have to do with Anoopa? First, Anoopa persists. We do not see her, because she has collided with another and has been sent off in another trajectory. The collision has resulted not only in change but in growth. Just because we cannot see her any longer in the illusion we have created does not mean she is not present for her family and friends. She is part of consciousness, which is everywhere. She will remain a part of the relationships of her parents, sister, and friends through eternity. They will see her again as illusion succeeds illusion succeeds illusion, succeeds illusion.


In the meantime, they experience the pain of parting, which will not end but will subside. Her parents and sister experienced this illusion as Heaven when they experienced the joys of having Anoopa physically with them. Now they will experience the Hell of not having Anoopa physically with them. This will pass. Then they will experience the Heaven of having Anoopa physically with them again in a different illusion. Then they will experience the Hell of not having her physically with them. So the wheel of illusion turns. Perhaps the stage of Enlightenment comes when we reach some stage in our growth when we can actually understand that life is illusion and that our individuality persists and that our relatedness remains through eternity. However, for now and perhaps for eternity, the pain and suffering we experience is somehow one of the main motive forces which lead to our growth. The constant collision between individuals in the universe of consciousness hurts, but it provides the impulse for change.


Here is an interesting question that derives from the above argument: is the young boy who physically collided with and killed Anoopa one of those particularly connected to her growth through eternity? I think that if you accept the argument of these pages, he is.


I love you through Eternity.


Dad


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